Baby Blues
by bethsmom
Summary: This is a true story about what I went through after my daughter was born. Please read Our Angel under my profile for Bethany's story. I don't do this to get pity just to bring awarness. I have added a new Chap. but this is the end. Thank you and God Bles
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: I don't own any of the character of CSI: NY I'm just a poor white girl with 2 kids and a husband. This story is true. It is a little bit of what happen to me after my daughter was born. So this will be a hard story to write. My depression was a little harder b/c of my baby being 10 weeks early and 2lbs 3oz. Please read "Our Angel" to understand her birth. _

Lindsey looked down at the beautiful baby girl in her arms and swore that nothing was going to harm this child if she had anything to do with it and kill anything that did. That had been about 6 weeks ago and she was ready to pull her hair out. She had two more weeks till she had to go back to work and she couldn't wait for them to get there.

Bethany was crying "_Like always" _Lindsey thought and she went and tried to feed her, change her diaper and burp her. Nothing worked. Lindsey was at the breaking point. Danny was in the shower and when he opened the shower door Lindsey stood there holding Bethany out to him.

"Take her. If you don't I'm afraid I'm going to hurt her." Lindsey said as she passed Bethany to a stocked Danny and walked away.

Lindsey went for a walk. "_What kind of mother am I that I would even think of hurting my child? I mean I'm no better than the criminal's we put behind bars. Maybe Bethany and Danny would be better off with out me. I mean I did say I would kill anything that wanted to hurt my child and I wanted to hurt her." _Lindsey kept thinking these thoughts till she heard Stella behind her.

"Lindsey!!" Stella yelled.

"Stella what are you doing here? How did you find me?" Lindsey asked as they sat down on a bench in Central Park.

"Danny called me. He told me what happen and thought you could use a friend." Stella said holding Lindsey hand.

That was all it took Lindsey started to cry. Tell Stella all the bad thoughts she had been having in regards to Bethany. Thought of hurting her, but she knew she would never hurt her. And the thoughts of ending her life due to the fact that she really didn't know if she could stop her self.

Stella just listened as she too cried with Lindsey. "Lindsey sweetie, have you talked to your doctor about this?"

Lindsey looked at Stella "NO!! If I tell them what I've been feeling and thinking they will take Bethany way from me. Call me an unfit mother. Maybe I should Danny could take care of her and not have to worry about me anymore."

Stella grabbed Lindsey by the shoulders and shook her "LINDSEY MESSER I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU TALK LIKE THAT AGAIN" Stella said "You listen to me Lindsey; they will not take your baby away from you. You have postpartum depression; they have medicine you can take that will help. It is nothing to be ashamed of."

Lindsey just looked at Stella "I didn't even think about that. Maybe I do need a little help."

"Good" Stella said "Now let's get you back to Danny and Bethany shall we?"

"Yeah"

After Stella had dropped Lindsey off at the apartment Lindsey went to Bethany's room picked her up and just cried. Danny walked into the room and held Lindsey as she held Bethany.

"I'm so sorry, baby" Lindsey sobbed into Bethany's neck.

Danny just held her. "Lindsey we will get through this together. I promise you."

Lindsey looked up at Danny and she gave her the first real smile "yeah, together."

_A/N: I know now a days people really don't like to talk about postpartum depression, but I have it. My daughter is now 2 years old, but I still have depression and if I don't take my meds I do slip into a very dark depression. I just wanted anyone out there that reads this that has this same problem not to feel ashamed. I love my daughter Bethany more than life its self. But I do take meds to help and that is nothing to be ashamed of. If you would like to talk please send me an e-mail it's on my profile. God Bless - April_


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: I decided to write a second chapter to tell about the lowest day in my life. I also want to thank everyone that reviewed and also to flit for pointing out that I had spelled it wrong. _

**B**ethany was now going on two. Things had been going good for the Messer family. Of course nothing stays good forever. Danny had been working late a lot and from Lindsey point of view really not helping with Bethany. Lindsey woke up early every morning, took Bethany to the sitters, worked, then went picked Bethany up, got home made dinner, bathed Bethany, play with Bethany, and finally put Bethany to bed. Lindsey was exhausted.

So tired she was forgetting her meds and get them refilled.

The day finally came when Lindsey broke and she broke hard. When she woke up on that Sunday morning with Danny gone to work and Bethany in her room. The first thought Lindsey had was if she could get away with some how hurting Bethany. The thought was followed by more thoughts and before she knew it Lindsey was crying in her bedroom. She got up and saw Bethany playing in her room. She changed her diaper and made her breakfast. Not really talking to Bethany like she usually did. After feeding Bethany Lindsey went and put her right back in her room and closed the door. Then went a got back in bed. That was when the thoughts really got bad.

"_I can't do this anymore."_ Lindsey thought as she lay in bed. "_Maybe I should go ahead and end my life." _Lindsey looked around the room. "_I have some pain meds left over; I could fall asleep and never wake-up. But then no one would know and Bethany wouldn't be feed." _ Lindsey then looked around and thought she saw the answer. "_Danny's gun. On bullet and everything would be over. Someone will here the shot call the cops and they would find Bethany. But what if no one hears and Bethany some how gets out of her room and gets in my blood. I don't want that." _ By this time it had been about 3 hours. Lindsey got up, changed Bethany's diaper, and then feed her lunch. Then back to her room Bethany went. Crying the whole time calling for "Mama" Lindsey couldn't take it she closed her door and fell asleep.

That was how Lindsey spent her day. Laying in bed trying to figure out a way to kill herself, but that Bethany would be found and taken care of. She would get up and feed and change Bethany, but that was about it. About 10 Danny came home. The house was a mess. The dishes were still on the table and Bethany was asleep in the same clothes she had worn the day before. He walked into the bedroom to see Lindsey sitting on the bed looking at the gun in the dresser drawer.

"Lindsey baby, what's going on?" Danny asked softly. Lindsey looked up at Danny with the saddest eyes he had ever seen.

"Help Me" Lindsey said before she broke.

Danny just held Lindsey as she explained what she had thought about all day and how she had treated Bethany. She knew she was the worst mother in the world and would understand if Danny wanted to take Bethany and leave her.

"Baby, you need to see someone about this. I'm not sure I can help you anymore." Danny said as he cried with Lindsey. "Will you get help?"

Lindsey just nodded her head.

**T**he next day Lindsey made a phone call to see a physiatrist. Her name was Ms. Jones and she wanted to see Lindsey that day. After telling Mac a little about what was going on she went and saw Ms. Jones.

Ms. Jones asked what was the first time she had felt this low and Lindsey told her about her grandmother that had died in 2003, failed relationships, a miscarriage, Bethany's birth, her brother getting a DWI two days after Bethany was born, Bethany being in the hospital for six weeks, and finally about how her grandfather died the day they brought Bethany home from the hospital. They talked for over an hour and when Lindsey said that she wasn't taking her meds. Ms. Jones told her to get it filled that day and that they would meet in two days.

Lindsey did just that and two days later she was feeling the best she had in years. Talking to Ms. Jones was wonderful because to hear it from someone you don't know that you are not crazy and that this was normal was what Lindsey needed. She ended up going to Ms. Jones for two months. She was on her meds and feeling the best she had in years. Lindsey could also tell when she was forgetting to take her meds, because her mood would go down hill fast.

There were days when she would feel down and when that happened she would just hold Bethany to her or watch Bethany acting like a goof ball in the living room. Danny also was taking on a more helpful role with Bethany that was taking some of the strain off Lindsey. Lindsey knew this would always be a battle, but with Bethany and Danny she knew she could win.

_A/N: Okay guys this is really the end and everything I said when Lindsey talked to Ms. Jones about all the bad things that happen did happen to me in the span on about a year. My Grandmother died in March of 2003 and My Grandfather died in October of 2004. _


End file.
